Thursday, August 16, 2007

FELLING LOST!!!

I'm lost.......there's no other way to put it!!!

I'm having a hard time blogging about my recent trip to Canada.

I am in a hard spot right now. Stuck in the middle per say.

It's hard to live a double life. I don't want to spend the next x number of years in Korea away from my friends and family who are getting older. I'm not around for weddings, parties or social gathering. I'm not creating memories at home that will last forever...........I'm no longer in the loop.

I am starting to think my recent trip to Canada was a bad idea. It was too perfect. I had eveything -- a plethora of friends, family and my loving boyfriend. I felt there was nothing to come back to Korea for.

It's hard being where I am right now. Having to decide between a wonderful life in Canada or a wonderful boyfriend in Korea. And one day one of us will have to make a HUGE decision that will impact our lives. I'm not sure I'm ready to sacrifice. I want it both, but I'm not sure if I will ever have it.

So I had the talk with Sung Hyun.................

................he asked me to wait 2 years.......................not two sure what I'm waiting for or what exactly will happen in 2 years..............I guess the rest of the converstation will just have to wait.

There's so much I want to say to Sung Hyun but I bite my tongue. I don't want to ruin what we have going by putting time lines on things. But I don't want to wonder anymore. And part of the reason I can't speak to him is because I know that he won't fully be able to comprehend what I feel, how I think.........

Sometimes I feel like packing up my bags and pretending that my time in Korea was just a distant dream. But I know that my heart will truly ache if I leave someone I care about behind.

And here I am planning to study Korean full time for 2 years -- invesing a whole lot of time and money into something that is so fluid.

So what do I do??????

I could use your help MOM, DAD, anyone.............

9 comments:

Beloved said...

Wow, I so know what you're going through. The last time I came home from Korea to visit the U.S., my husband was with me and I cried the entire first flight back to Korea. Although I loved living in Korea, on that last trip I had everything I wanted all in one place--my family, my husband, all the comforts of my own country--so it was very difficult to go back.

I think you definitely need to give yourself some time to decompress from your trip to Canada. It's hard to have only been there for a short time. I hope Amy comments 'cause I think she went through this very thing on her last trip home.

I'm not sure if now is the right time or not, but you and Sung-hyun should definitely talk about long term plans so that you're both on the same page. I had resigned myself to the possibility of living in Korea forever (but it took me a long time to get there) and then my husband decided he wanted to try living in the U.S. so here we are.

I hope some of all that babbling helps! :)

justinandaidan said...

My wife have same feelings when she visits Korea, she misses her family, because she is the only one living abroad. I know my wife would like to move back sometimes, but she knows that her places is with me and our kids. It's homesick and like beloved said, talk with Sung Hyun and work out the plans for the future. Looks like you got good thing going on right now.

I am sure you guys can find a solution as time goes by. It's big decision to move from another country and try to settle down. It will be worth it later down in your life. Once you have made a commitment to your partner, it will bring many joys in life ahead.

I am sure he would not mind living in Canada with someone he deeply cares. Talk to him, that you want some kind firm plans for each other. It takes some sacrifices and commitment from both party in relationships like you guys have. Eventually it will work out! It's coming from a someone with same kind of experiences you're going through right now. Trust yourself and Sung Hyun, it will work out with time.

Good luck with whatever you guys decides.

:)

Sandra said...

Man, that would be a hard choice. Hopefully the two of you can work something out together.

Professor Amy-Michelle said...

Yo Jenn,
Girl, I know just how you feel, as does Beloved!

I've been back to Canada twice since I first came here. My first trip was a secret get-away I planned that only lasted 6 days. My second trip however, lasted about 3 weeks (this past January). The first week was spent dealing with culture shock and then I met this great guy, Kobe. Not I'm not saying I was thinking of throwing away Korea cause of him, but it really just added to my confusion.

I was stuck inbetween two worlds that meant so much to me.

Returning back to Korea definitely takes some adjusting to and so you'll definitely have to give yourself some time... I think we all go through that. I went through so many emotions and so I'm sure you're going through the same too.

Honestly, reading your homepage about your trip back stirred up some emotions in me and it's strange to admit that, but it did.
My only advice to you is to just please be patient and relax. Before you went on your trip, you were proudly in love with Korea and happy. Canada was like a tease to you and, although I understand the fact that that's where your friends and family are, I'm sure you have some pretty awesome things going for you here in Korea too.

I'm sure NO MATTER WHERE you went, awesome things would follow you.

I may not have this kick-ass Korean boyfriend like you :( but the thing that keeps me going and keeps my spirits high is knowing that this was my dream. I've always wanted to come to Korea and look, now here I am. Regardless of where this is where I'll be living for the rest of my life or not, honestly, I don't think about that right now. I use to be engaged and I use to have my WHOLE life mapped out... I can't do that to myself anymore. Cause in doing so, I started to lose joy in the everyday things and in the "now".

Just be patient Jenn. Instead of trying to push the questions and drag out the answers, just let time show you them. You'd be surprised at how much more clearer things get if you just sit back, relax, and enjoy what life has presented to you so far.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn....don't know what to say to help, the only suggestion I have is to talk to him. Ask him why you should wait two years. It may be that is when he wants to get engaged, or something along those lines, but you sortof need to know where life is heading in order for you to deal with your feelings. And I am babbling...I will post better tomorrow after I sleep.

~*Marie*~

Why am I here??? said...

Thanks for all the of responses. It is great that so many people out there are will to help me out (even if I've never met you).

Beloved,
Honestly, I remember when you first made a comment on my homepage. I had originally written one on BETWEEN PEE AND KIMCHI, but you responded to me telling me about your unique situation. Then I found this set of bloggers who were in intercultural relationships, kinda like me. If it wasn't for you I don't know if I would have been a serious with Sung Hyun as I am now. Looking and reading your story allows me to see that it is possible. So thanks for sharing your story and supporing me.

justingandaidan,
You hit the nail on the head when you said that both parties will have to make sacrifices. And in either situation there are pros and cons to both sides. Damn, why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

sandra,
Your absolutely right about that. It's a tough decision isn't it?

Amy,
Wait is out and trust myself, that's what I gotta do. Because the minute you start putting time lines and limitations it's not as fun anymore. If there is one thing that Sung Hyun has taught me it's to go with the flow........

Marie,
Thanks for the comment Marie, glad to hear that you're still reading my homepage. I don't think I NEED to have the talk with Sung Hyun. He knows that I want to live in Canada. His family has given him permission to move there with me if he wants but being the only son he feels that he's got an obligation. I want to study Korean next year and really learn this language. And I know that this will be an excellent idication to him about how serious I am about having a life with him.

Anyways, enough blabbling!!!!!

Thanks everyone!!!

Amanda said...

Oh man, at least his parents support you. I'm dealing with Good Man's parents flat out refusing to meet me.

Good luck.

(I wonder why you have to choose one or the other. Why can't you bounce back and forth? Perhaps that's only an option for us because we don't want kids--something I will NEVER tell his parents.)

Anonymous said...

You owe it to your future happiness to look for Mr. Right. You took the girl out of Canada. Can you take Canada out of the girl? Say Sung-hyun is Mr. Right for a while. You marry and have children. You are older, have responsibilities and your marriage disolves. Now what?
Never give of yourself more than you are prepared to loose.
Because I love him... Isn't that what battered women always say is the reason why they stay. Before you invest another two years, think! Are you on a path that you want to be on?

Why am I here??? said...

WOW!!!! Yah that's true. But how am I to predict the future and what will happen (marriage dissolving etc...). I mean that doesn't sound very optimistic to me. Every relationship is definately going to have it's troubles.

And I never did buy into that 'Mr. Right' bullcrap. There's no perfect person out there for you. If that was the case then I would have found my PERFECT FRIEND by now. I think we are constantly changing, evolving and growing, we are in a state of flux. My dad says that he has been married to 6 different women.........because that is how many times (that he can count) that their relationship has dramatically shifted (getting married, buy a house, having kids, owning a business together, kids moving out, retiring).

My take on this whole relationship thing is that you do the best you can with the person you have at the present time. The perfectionist in me is always going to fault someone for not being 'mr.right'. So I choose to look at the good things.......afterall I'm certainly not the perfect girlfriend.

Whether I'm on the right or wrong path, the fact is that I'm on a path. I've made a decision and I put my heart on the line (this way they'll be no regrets, no wondering what would have happened). I've made myself vulnerable and I have willingly put myself in this situation. And in doing so, I'm LEARNING because that is what life is all about......